The best parenting advice I ever received

The best parenting advice I ever got was this:

NEVER CHASE YOUR CHILD

There are exceptions to every "never," but please get the point. If you chase your child, he will run away. I've had mothers remark to me about how lucky I am that my son stays with me that their child would never do that. But my son used to run away from me, when I used to chase him. Now that I have stopped, he doesn't run. It is instinctive for young animals to stay with their mothers. Teaching our children to run away from us is not only time consuming, but dangerous.

"Our expectations about our children are extremely powerful. It's not necessarily what we tell children we want from them, but what we show we expect that children respond to. For instance, if you're at the park and you say to a child, "Now don't run away. Stay right here," you're showing him that you expect him to want to run away, which he otherwise wouldn't dream of doing because you're the only person he knows there. It's deeply instinctive, not only for human beings, but for all young animals to want to stay close to their mothers in strange territory. But once we've placed the suggestion, the next thing you know the little boy does run off, and there she goes chasing after him." (Jean Leidoff)

We also place the idea in their heads that they are incompetent. "don't do that, you'll hurt yourself." "give me that knife." "be careful!" "bye-bye and be good." All these common parenting mantras erode the child's natural caution and instill in him that he is expected to be bad. If you freak out and shout NO when he's picking up a sharp knife, he's a lot more likely to cut himself, then if you calmly show him how to use it. If you are nervous about her climbing somewhere, keep your mouth shut and just spot her (for your benefit, not for hers). If you are worried about him using a sharp knife, show him how to use it properly and then go about your business close by where you can intervene if needed. But keep in mind that hovering, standing over his shoulder is not instilling confidence in him. Your supervision is for your benefit, so don't let him feel your worry.

John Holt (education author, "father" of the homeschooling movement) had a conversation with someone who worked at something called an adventure playground. He asked the man if the kids ever got hurt, since this playground looked considerably more dangerous than a regular playground. The man replied, "Not since we stopped allowing the parents in." As Clare Cooper Marcus, a landscape architect, points out, "It is true that the site is often rough, structures built by children may be hazardous, tools could be used in a dangerous way--but all available evidence indicates that the children are so absorbed in what they are doing, and so cautious in attempting anything beyond their present capacities, that the accident rate is in fact lower than that on conventional playgrounds with fixed equipment."

Left alone, children will act responsibly, taking only calculated risks and only doing what they are capable of. Don't teach your child to run away.