Walking the (barefoot) walk (or get the log out of your own eye)

There are so many things I want for my son. But honestly, I really want them for myself. I want him to eat fruit and not junk food, but I eat junk food. I'm a tortilla chip addict. It's a very serious condition for me, so I'm not joking. I eat completely healthfully for a week, then I have chips one night, and I can't go back to 100% healthy. Every night I have to eat chips. I usually eat them with vegan sour cream (if I have it on hand), tomatoes or lettuce, black beans, and jarred jalapenos. I rationalize this addictive behavior by pointing at the raw tomatoes, the "healthy" beans, the lettuce, the baked chips, the veganness of the sour cream. But the fact is, eating chips every night of the week is disgusting, unhealthy, and addictive behavior. My tongue burns from the salt when I'm done, and after all the binging, am I satiated?? No, then I crave super-sweets like cookies and ice cream and candy to balance out the salt overload.

Tell me, how I can expect my son to be healthy when I am all over the place? I can't. I can legislate and control, because I am bigger than him, but that won't help the fundamental problem. Children take after their parents, especially in regards to food. Forget sneaking around after they go to bed, my child will eat like I do. They know hypocrisy when they see it. And a child drinking his mother's milk can even taste her hypocrisy. So I'll use my desire to see my son grow up without sickness and disease to fuel my own recovery.

I picked up a 12-step book my mom had laying on the table and read it last night while I ate dinner (tostitos, tomatoes, beans, and jalapenos). And I realized that I was insane, if insanity is doing the same thing and expected a different result. I have been trying to eat 100% raw food for about a year and a half. And every time that I try, I say this is what I am going to do, and I last exactly a week, and I say, well, I'll just have chips tonight since I have been raw for a whole week (celebrating my healthy success by poisoning myself???), and then tomorrow I'll go right back on the bandwagon. Or I'll have a once a week "treat" night. Plbbbbb. Then I'm right back to eating chips every night, and then I'm back into eating sugary desserts, and my stomach swells, my energy drops, and I stop exercising.

So this time, I'm going to go through the 12 steps and maybe check out Overeaters Anonymous. My mother has been going to OA meetings for as long as I can remember, and they have really helped her. I am reticent about trying it, since I feel like I would be completely out of place, but I may.

First step: Acknowledging that I am powerless over food.